Imagine it: Blended family. 3 youngest kids are from him, oldest kid is from her. He continually complains that the oldest doesn’t spend enough time with her step-siblings, but she apparently has some bona fide reasons for that.
Family decides to go on a family vacation but he says his kids are now “uncomfortable” around her kid because of her “attitude” and she should stay home. Wife, who is pay for this trip, tells him to knock it off.
All of a sudden, step-daughter’s passport mysteriously “disappears”. Wife later finds it hidden in husband’s office drawer. She, in turn, cancels the whole trip.
That’s the gist of the story someone wrote on Reddit a while back, on their “AITA” section. The initials represent the term, “Am I The A-Hole.” The community is defined as, “A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that’s been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you’re right, or you’re the a-hole.” It’s kind of like a “jury of your peers” sort of thing and you may eventually be determined to YTA (You’re The A-Hole) or NTA (Not The A-Hole).
Here’s the original post:
AITA for cancelling the entire trip after finding out that my husband hid my daughter’s passport?
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. He has 3 kids from his previous relationship and I have one. She’s the oldest (17). He’s a dedicated man, puts God first and loves everyone.
My husband always complains that my daughter doesn’t spend time with her stepsiblings or him but she has reasons for that and that is school, health issues and work. She does her best to spend as much time with them as she can. but she on the other hand complains that her stepdad tells her to basically take on the role of a babysitter whenever she’s with her stepsiblings. My husband denied that and said that my daughter was making up excuses to not have to spend time with his kids.
For this issue, I figured that a family trip is what the family need to get together and spend more time around each others. My husband liked the idea but said that his kids are now “uncomfortable” around my daughter because of her “attitude” and suggested we let her stay home and have the house all to herself since that’s “what she always wanted”. I told him it’s best that we all go. he kept complaing til I snapped and told him to stop
I booked (paid) for the whole family. However, my daughter told me she couldn’t find her passport. We turned the house upside down looking for it but couldn’t find it. My husband said maybe it was a sign from God that we should let her stay home so the trip wouldn’t turn into a disaster. I ignored his comment but later while I was cleaning his office I found the passport, tucked away in the 3rd drawer under a ton of papers. I was floored by this, I confronted him with it and he swore he had no idea why or how the passport got there. I checked the upstairs camera and saw him enter my daughter’s room. That was it for me, I screamed my head off at him then cancelled the whole trip completely. He started arguing saying I overreacted and that he didn’t want his kids to be “miserable” on the trip and that willing to apologize to my daughter if and when I reconsider my decision regarding the cancellation of the trip, because my stepkids will be devastated but I said it was final and that it was done.
He become cold and distant and said that he wants to take some time to do some fasting and get guidance from God about how he should deal with the disrespect and control I had displayed lately.
AITA for cancelling it altogether?
There were only 421 responses – but they were all written within an hour of the post going live on Reddit. At that point a moderator locked the thread, “due to an excess of rule violations” (they didn’t mention what rules were violated, but here are the rules of the AITA subreddit, and here are its FAQs).
The original poster was overwhelming deemed to be NTA (except for those who said YTA for staying with this guy). Here are some of the more interesting comments (edited only for occasional layout, adult language and brevity):
(the first few are pretty long, but they all got between 6k and 64k “upvotes” (think “thumbs up”)
- NTA
He can’t use your daughter as free child-care for his children… so he intentionally alienates her from his family (and yes, I said his family because it is very apparent he does not consider your family his family!)
Let’s see what he’s done just in your post alone…
— Your, almost adult, daughter has valid reasons why she cannot spend more time, as he wants, with the step siblings… he does not think her needs are equal or even important.
— Your husband orders her to babysit. She is not now nor will ever be his beck-and-call servant.
— You wanted (booked and paid for yourself) a family vacation… he does not see her as family, since he made excuses and complained that she could not go against your wishes. He does not think she deserves to go on the “family” vacation because he clearly does not see her as his family.
— When he could not manipulate you into what he wanted, he forced the issue himself… then allowed you to tear thru the house causing you and your daughter stress while knowing 100% what he did caused this… and had no problem with that.
— He used “God’s Will” as the excuse for something he intentionally did… does he think he’s a conduit for God or God himself? (Narcissistic much?)
— He lied about what he did, and when you called him out, he still continued to lie to you… and when you had proof and he ran out of valid lies… he twisted it all around saying that you are the one overreacting!
— When he still couldn’t lie, argue, or manipulate what he wanted from you… he then turned to giving you the cold shoulder as a form of punishment to you. (oh you’ve hurt my little feelings! you must adjust your ways to make me feel better!! … even though this is all my fault and my own doing, but I cannot be held responsible for that!!!)
Your husband wants to control you; what you do & what you want.
Your husband wants to control your daughter; what she should be spending her time on and forcing her to do things she cannot do.
When he cannot easily do that, he uses manipulation and lying in order to accomplish it.
When he is then held responsible for his actions, he turns it around on you.
When that doesn’t work, he throws a temper tantrum.
He did not marry you because he wanted a wife and step-daughter; he was looking for 2 females to boss around and do his bidding… in God’s name, Amen! — AbbyBirb -
Husband: turns to God because of “your disrespect and control”
Also Husband: actively disrespects your daughter by pointedly excluding her and steals her passport (which is ILLEGAL btw) to CONTROL her ability to go
YTA, but only because you let this man treat you and your daughter so poorly. — ijustneedtolurk -
NTA.
Your husband doesn’t put God first, always. He uses God to manipulate others, which is a sin (taking the Lord’s name in vein) so popular that it made the top ten list (Ten Commandments).My husband said maybe it was a sign from God that we should let her stay home so the trip wouldn’t turn into a disaster.
He thinks God hid the passport for him?
I checked the upstairs camera and saw him enter my daughter’s room.
God apparently “moved through him” to hide the passport.
He become cold and distant and said that he wants to take some time to do some fasting and get guidance from God about how he should deal with the disrespect and control I had displayed lately.
This is gaslighting. He wants you to think that you “disrespecting him” (defending your daughter from a thief) is worse than him hiding her passport and lying about it.
I want to reiterate that you are NOT THE A in the slightest. Your husband is a liar, thief, hypocrite, and manipulator.
I’m an atheist, but if his God is real, he’s got a special place reserved for your husband. — Uh_Cromer -
NTA.
If your husband wants to take this issue to God, allow me to help him get started.
“Lying lips are abomination to the LORD . . .” Proverbs 12:22
“Thou shalt not steal.” Exodus 20:15
He stole from your daughter and he lied about it. Now he is trying to fault you for “disrespect” and “control”?
What about the disrespect he showed to you and your daughter? What about the control he displayed by deliberately trying to exclude your daughter from a family vacation, and lying about it? What about the disrespect he showed your daughter, presuming to decide for her that she would prefer to stay home from the family vacation? (Which, let’s face it, was the ostensible reason. It wasn’t what your daughter wanted. I don’t even believe it’s what his kids wanted. It’s what he wanted.)
Please tell your husband for me that he does not love God. God is just an excuse he uses to justify some really horrible, manipulative, controlling, dishonest and disrespectful behavior. Seriously, please tell him for me. Show him my post.
His conduct was absolutely disgusting. Made even more so by the fact that he’s trying to make it look like you’re the one who has the issue. Like you’re the one who’s being controlling and disrespectful. I rarely see, in this subreddit, such clear instance of projection, especially of this magnitude.
Why believe a single thing he says now? He’s proven that he is manipulative and will lie right to your face. I have no doubt that what your daughter says is true: that he really does try to use her a baby sitter every time she gets together with her step-siblings.
And save that video footage, and get all the proof you can. And if your home cameras happened to capture him lying about it, save that, too. If this goes to divorce court, you’ll need all the proof you can get. — RighteousVengence - NTA. I hope this isn’t real, because you are severely underreacting to the problem you’re dealing with here. This man who “puts God first” stole one of your daughter’s most important pieces of ID, which last I checked was a big no-no in God’s eyes. And what was his justification? That your daughter refuses to devote herself to being a second mother to his children. And now he thinks he needs to tighten the reins on you, too? You and your daughter need to get out before he decides to take away your access to anything else that might make that challenging. — mm172
-
YTA for not realising this man is a massive a-hole.
Tell him you spoke to God and God told you that you shouldn’t stay married to a man who lies and steals the passport of your child. He is not worthy of being your husband, let alone the stepfather of your only daughter.
You owe it to your daughter to divorce this untrustworthy, manipulative man. — Latter-Platypus-3713 -
NTA
1. You paid for this trip to bring the family together
2. He broke into your daughter’s room
3. STOLE an important document
4. Hid it in his office
5. Pretended he was unaware of it when y’all were turning the house upside down
6. Used “God” as an excuse for his THEFT
7. Didn’t confess his deed
8. Doubled down when he was caught in 4K
9. Prioritized and used his lids as an excuse for his THEFT
10. Has no apologized
Ma’am, respectfully he is not someone who would “Put God first”
For the sake of Lucifer, dump his ass. You’ll be doing a huge favor to your daughter and her future.
If he can’t do a simple family trip to bring y’all together and steal your daughter’s passport to keep her away, I fear what else he would be willing to do to your daughter for the sake of his own kids in the future for bigger life challenges. — HailLuciferDaddy -
He hid your daughter’s passport but needs guidance from God on the “disrespect and control” you’ve shown lately?
You do see how misogynistic that is, right?
NTA. You stood up for your kid, and when your “God loving” (read: misogynistic and controlling) husband realized he wasn’t getting his way, he hid her passport and then blamed his GOD.
he blamed his GOD.
OP, You will never be able to trust this man. Ever. — Balorio -
Jesus explicitly said that anyone who does harm to children has a special place in hell. Of course your ‘God fearing’ husband would miss that.
NTA and dump him before he starts quoting ‘Wives must surrender to their husbands’ to justify his abuse — Talisa87 - NTA for cancelling the trip, but what example are you showing your daughter by staying in this marriage? True God-loving people try to include everyone; he sounds like he is using “God” to try to control the family. That’s not how family works. — MsBaseball34
-
NTA for cancelling.
Y T BIGGEST A FOR STAYING WITH YOUR DAUGHTER’S ABUSER THO.
He’s a godly man? Let’s break that BS down then.
Commandant 8 – you shall not steal. He stole your daughter’s passport.
Commandment 9 – you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. He stole your daughter’s passport and lied about it.
And if we want to be technical/ orthodox.
Commandant 7 – you shall not commit adultery. This seems like both of your second marriages.
Absolutely embarrassed for you to lie to yourself to this extent about what a kind, loving, and honest man you married to.
Your daughter is 17. I can almost promise you the moment she turns 18, you will no longer have a daughter anymore because she will be done with being treated like a house servant by your abusive, sexist, lying garbage bag of a husband while her “Godly” mother watched it happen. If you actually love and value your daughter, you will hold your husband (and yourself) accountable and or consider a divorce based off of the gaslighting and manipulation he’s displaying just from this text. — yeehawt22 -
NTA.
He’s sneaky and dishonest; he hid your daughter’s passport — and then blamed God for it! I’m quite sure that people who are actually religious don’t finger God for their own sins (especially when stealing from a child). — SamSpayedPI - People hide behind God for the wackiest things. This man is asking you to choose him and his children over your own daughter. Choose wisely. Currently you’re NTA, but if you stay with a man who treats your daughter like that, then you absolutely are. — nic_lama
- NTA for cancelling the trip but you are a bit of an AH for marrying a controlling freak who doesn’t respect you or your daughter. I get that it can be hard to spot sometimes but you started off noting his relationship to the church in language that indicates you’re in one of the sects that preaches he has the right to pull this crap. If he’s claiming his manipulations are signs from God you need to question the whole church he is part of.
This is not saying to turn your back on Christianity, just pointing out that there are a lot of denominations and most of them would have made him too ashamed to take the Lord’s name in vain like that. — TinaMonday
There were one or two people who called her an A-hole, but unless it was “because she hadn’t left her husband,” it was in response to how she treated her daughter:
- You’re the AH to your daughter for believing your husband over her. He lied and said, “maybe it’s god’s will” when he hid the passport himself. That, is a fake Christian and he’s willing to use your beliefs to manipulate you. He says, “I will apologize when you reinstate the trip”. Again, he’s gaslighting you and he’s a total narcissist. He told you he never makes your daughter babysit behind your back and suggested your daughter was making it up. You should believe your daughter. His kids are uncomfortable around your daughter because of lies he told them about her. He wants your nearly adult daughter out of the way so he can control you more. — vt2022cam
Our take on it
Needless to say, I’m 100% with everyone else. He is a manipulative, malicious, sneaky, hypocritical, misogynistic liar who is using “God” as an excuse for his behavior. Her canceling the trip was an excellent idea, but she really should look long and hard at this abusive relationship that she calls a marriage.
What do you think of the situation?
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3 comments
Just doing what many Christians do. Using God as an excuse for bad things and bad behaviour. It was God’s will, God told me, God must have done it, etc. With a dictatorial and self-serving mind like his, he is broken. His way or the highway. I would definitely suggest the highway because God knows, he will only get worse the more dependent you become on him. Remember, God’s book, the bible, says women should be kept naked and in the house and, daughters can be sold into slavery. There’s a Christian mindset for you.
Obviously, she wrote the post to get validation and approval of her actions. If he wrote a summary of the incident also, it would likely not be recognizable as two people talking about the same issue. Aside from that, it struck me as a bit curious that when she was “cleaning his office”, she ended up in his desk, in the third drawer down, and under a ton of papers. Very peculiar.
My wife, who unlike me follows AITA, says that the majority of the stories are simply made up. In cases like this one I have to agree that the story is so insanely ludicrous that it’s unlikely to be true.